I went home this weekend, as I do every weekend, but this weekend was weird. I worked as usual, and opened on Saturday morning with Mary Ann. When I open with Mama Mary Ann, I work the front, so I deal with customers. I swear it was like every person I knew, that came in, was reprimanding me for being home.
"Paige! What are you doing home?!"
"Paige! How's college?" It's alright. "JUST ALRIGHT?! WHAT?! WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT?" Well, it's really expensive. "What did you think it was going to be cheap?"
No, I didn't. But I don't have a rich uncle or a rich anyone in my family. So excuse me for feeling a little overwhelmed and ill budgeted.
I mean Jesus. What, I graduate and suddenly I'm kicked out of town? It was embarrassing, to be honest. Everyone was acting like it was this huge deal. I felt a little judged and it just made me uncomfortable. It seemed like everyone was disappointed in the fact that I was home and not head over heels in love with Colby-Sawyer. I don't think a single one of those people regarded the fact that what I'm doing with my life is my business and none of theirs. And when I confronted my parents about it for advice, I didn't feel any comfort or ease at all.
My mom's response? Silence.
My dad's? "Well, Paige, I just think everyone expects you to be a little bit better than Franconia. If you came home, I'd feel incredibly sad for you because that means you're just stuck here and another kid who didn't do anything with their life." Thanks for the support, guys. And who's to say I would be "stuck" in Franconia? I happen to love Franconia. And he's one to talk, he never left.
You want the cold, hard, honest truth about what I want to do after this semester?
I want to take the semester off. I want to work, save up, and try to publish a book. I wanted to take a year off more than anything after I graduated, but everyone talked me out of it. I completely regret not doing that.
But, I probably will end up just taking out more student loans and going to PSU next semester, rather than next Fall, because everyone seems to frown upon the fact that I want to stay in town for a little while. And they either do not understand or do not believe me that I have no money to go to school right now.
"Paige, there's resources like scholarships and student loans!" I have a bunch of scholarships. I have scholarships up the ass, but it's still not enough. And student loans? Those aren't just numbers. So before I go dig myself a hole $60,000 deep, can I just have a minute to figure out what the hell I want to do with my life?!
I just wish everyone would back off. Just support me, and tell me what I want to do is okay. Tell me you're proud of me, so that I don't feel so guilty when I crawl back into Franconia every Friday night. I'm trying to grow up and do the right thing, but it's so hard when I constantly feel like I'm doing it wrong.
Do what makes you happy, Paige. Don't let anybody tell you otherwise. If you truly want to take a semester off, than do it. And if you change your mind and decide to go to Plymouth next semester, well then so be it. Don't do things to please others, do things to please yourself. And whatever you do I will always have your back. I LUHVV YOUU :)
ReplyDeleteThank you Ben. You always have my back... just like I always have yours! I LUHVVV YOUUUU! <3
DeletePookie - Of course folks are going to be surprised to see you home - you're in college....time to run free, experience new things, suck up life in a new way.....most of us that have gone through it are jealous - we miss it! Your life is yours right now; no kids, no husband, no mom/dad asking your whereabouts every second, no expectation to be at a job 9-5. College is the one time in your life where you have the gift to discover and grow you (and yes, amass a debt so crazy that you will celebrate your 40th birthday by making your last school loan payment - welcome to adulthood). So, if people are surprised to see you home it's probably just that they yearn to have that freedom back in their life and wish you the incredible gift of that experience. I have found that most of the times in my life that I have felt judged, the judgement has really come from within. Noodle on that a little because it's important to sit with.
ReplyDeleteNow, your happiness. Your happiness and comfort is important to your success anywhere in the world so is worth a great deal of consideration. However, some of the greatest moments in life are born from fighting through discomfort only to realize that you had the stuff to make it work all along. Paige, you have the stuff! Believe that down to your little toe. We all do.
So Colby Sawyer v Plymouth. Who knows, maybe CS isn't the right school for you but it's a GREAT school. To that end, giving it a chance, looking for Pookie ways to make it work is something YOU deserve so that little personal judgement voice doesn't bite you in the A$$ a couple years from now when you are in life lock down like the rest of us! Totally get the $$ thing - you are talking to somebody who put herself through college - every last cent. So, come chat and I'll help you figure out the $$ part. Easy? No. Is walking away and living in Franconia gonna fix it? No. You can be damn sure that it's more expensive to live life and make your dreams happen on the side - more expensive in hundreds of ways.
Come have dinner with us next time you are home. We want to see you happy. We want to see you comfortable. We want to see you shine.
Love you,
Aunt Sassy the Wise