I finished my first semester of college this past summer. I worked my ass off, and pulled off an A in Sociology and a B- in Math; both of which are huge accomplishments for me. I did every sheet of homework that was assigned to me, and tried my absolutely hardest for the first time, really, in my academic career.
Yet tonight, in the midst of my wandering thoughts, I started feeling so insecure. I miss my friends. I miss Ben the most, but I miss Hilary too, who I didn't even have a chance to say goodbye to. There's almost this jealousy within me. I envy the two of them who have this dual life; this place where they retreat to and nobody truly knows them. They have a place where they can be anybody they want to be. But why am I jealous? I hopped on that go-away-to-college train a year ago, and ran back to Franconia fairly quickly. I know that life isn't for me, yet sometimes I wish it could be.
I just get so down on myself at times, because I feel like I'm not accomplishing all the things I could be. I feel a sense of embarrassment that I go to Community College, even though I shouldn't because it's a perfect fit for me and it's all I can afford. Why do I beat myself up so much?
My emotions got the best of me tonight and I cried as I reflected back on my time at Colby-Sawyer. I found myself thinking that maybe it wasn't that bad and maybe I possibly overreacted last Fall. Maybe I should have toughed it out... But if I really think hard enough, and start to remember my time there, I find myself saying, "Yeah, it was that bad."I was so miserable. I acted like such an introvert which is so out of character of me. There was no inspiration for me there. It was masked by the constant pity and sorrow I was feeling for myself as I was holed up away from the world in my dorm room.
Colby-Sawyer was like Hell on earth, yet I found myself tonight feeling jealous towards Ben and Hil for the start of their new lives; new chapters. I feel like I've made no progress in this past year, and the familiar persona of a Fuck Up suddenly came over me again.
Everyone had so much faith in me last Fall. I was going to be so great because I was accepted into an awesome and expensive college. This was my shot, finally. And just as the ball got passed into my hands, I dropped it.
Boom.
Now instead of the continual, "Paige, I am SO proud of you," I receive the, "Wow that's great you go to Community College, Paige. So when are you going to transfer to a four year school?"
"Oh, you're a waitress?"
Yeah, I'm a waitress.
This is the shittiest piece of writing I've ever composed. I'm sorry. I just felt weird tonight, so I said, "Well, I guess I'll blog about it."
