I've been unbelievably busy lately. I took on a huge course load in school this summer, so my time is primarily consumed by doing homework and working here and there. Most of the time, I bring my homework to work with me. I have a quiz that is due by midnight tonight in one of my online classes. They generally take me about thirty minutes; piece of cake. Yet, after today, all I can do is sit here stewing.
Today should have been wonderful. I performed at my mom's art studio and even framed and displayed some of my poetry. (I don't claim to be much of a poet, but I really like a few that I have written). Because I was singing with Ben today, I wanted to look nice, but most importantly I wanted to be comfortable. I wore a blue maxi dress because it is so simple and soft. It was chilly this morning, so I threw a sweatshirt over it, too. I pulled my hair back; it needed to be washed and I didn't have time to. And, since my skin has been cooperating lately, I didn't have to wear hardly any makeup except for a little bit of mascara. I felt like I looked presentable, but then again, I would have felt just as nice in a pair of jeans.
I stopped in TJ Maxx to buy pictures frames for my poetry. As I was standing there, checking prices and sizes, I could feel someone staring at me. Glancing over, there was an old guy standing there. He wasn't ancient or anything, just older and staring at me, chuckling. It made me feel a little uncomfortable so I looked back at my frames and poetry which was displayed all over the shelves so I could size the fonts with frames. The guy kind of inched near me and I thought I was in the way so I apologized and started to push the cart away.
"You know," he said, "it's really nice to see a lady dressed like a lady for once." I looked at him. Without thinking, I scoffed.
"At least in the North Country," he continued, "where I'm from, all the ladies dress like they should."
What in the fuck was that supposed to even mean?
Instead of being polite and accepting what he probably thought of as a compliment, I laughed at him and walked away with my picture frames and poetry. "Dressed like a lady for once." What defines dressing as a lady? Was it because I was wearing a dress or because every inch of me was basically covered up? I know he didn't mean harm by it, or I at least hope he didn't. But, that comment really pissed me off. If I wore jeans, like I do every other day, would he have been silently judging me? Would he have verbalized it? Or, if it was unbearably hot out and I decided to wear a tank top with some shorts, would he have assumed I was basically a prostitute?
Later on in the grocery store tonight, this guy I went to high school with was working and told me how pretty I looked in my dress. Perhaps if it were a different kind of day, I would have been flattered by his compliment. But tonight, it just angered me. I go into the grocery store all the time when he's working, I'm just not usually wearing a dress. Yet, he has never presented me with any compliments otherwise, even when my hair is clean, unlike tonight.
I would have preferred that old dude commented on my poetry which was very clearly in his view, rather than taking too long of a time to examine me, only to let me know he approved of my outfit, because clearly he is the God of women's clothing and I should be taking his advice and opinions. I don't want to be told I look like a lady because of what I am wearing. I look like a lady because I am one. I'm also a human being, in case he didn't know that.
How about I look smart? I look healthy. Not even I look but I am.
Paige, you are smart.
Paige, you are motivated.
Paige, you are confident.
I know am all of those things, because those are the kinds of attributes I strive to have within myself. Those are the things that make me pretty.
Not a stupid fucking blue dress.
