I find it incredibly powerful when we, as human beings, are able to not only identify but accept, change or have a grasp of control over our flaws. However, I think it's toxic to wallow in our pities and relish in the fact that we may be one of the most dysfunctional people alive. There is such a fine line between identifying and accepting, and identifying and being a victim of our issues. Does that make sense?
I see a therapist. She truly saved my life. I don't deem myself crazy for needing to talk my feelings out from time to time. When I first went to see her, she asked me why I decided I needed therapy.
"I feel like my brain is tied in knots and I don't know how to untie it," and, "I think I'm going insane but I'm still sane enough to know it." I had thought long and hard about the way I felt, because it was so confusing at the time and I didn't feel there was any other way to explain it. I was sixteen. I was angry, upset, worried, sleepless, defiant and hating who I was. I skipped school, partied a lot, and disrespected not only myself but a lot of people around me.
After more talking and evaluation, I was diagnosed with Adjustment Disorder with mixed anxiety and depression. I could have told her about the anxiety and depression part, but what the hell is Adjustment Disorder? She basically told me that everyone has a hard time with change, but I especially struggle with it. To be honest, I sort of thought that was a lame diagnosis and wasn't really convinced it existed. I've taken a few classes in the Human Services field and learned a bit more about Adjustment Disorder, and it's real. It does exist and although maybe I'm lucky to only have that going on in my head, it's still a form of mental illness and it has plagued me from time to time. It was at an all time high when I was a teenager, and as stupid as this sounds, it was usually triggered by breakups.
Everyone becomes brokenhearted at some point, but my broken heart didn't ever seem to mend. When I was fifteen, I was so hung up on this one kid that even a year after we broke up, I still hurt. I still felt incomplete. It temporarily went away when I moved onto another boy, but he broke my heart even worse. And again, a year later I found myself still wanting the first boy and hurting over the second one as well. What the fuck is wrong with me?
By the time I reached my senior year in high school, I felt that I had my Adjustment Disorder under control. I don't claim to be an expert, but my sister has a degree in Psychology and works directly with people who experience different kinds of mental illnesses, and she has been able to explain it to me more in depth than when I originally found out I had it. Everyone has different experiences with this disorder. Some may overcome it, but others may struggle with it their entire life.
My family went through a lot my senior year. My mom and stepdad divorced, which was difficult because it was a change. But we also had to leave my house that I had lived in for ten years, just a week after I had graduated high school. I felt as though I was a trooper through that weird time in life, but after high school, my mind just slipped back into it's dark corner. I was uprooted, out of place, and painfully uncomfortable. Going to college just made it worse. At the time I wasn't aware of it, but looking back on it now, I definitely attribute my actions and inability to succeed to my Adjustment Disorder. It was too much change for me to handle, and I didn't have the tools or skills to overcome it.
Since then, I've gone through a lot of changes, but the majority of them have been initiated by me, and that makes the adjustment easier. My sister told me that learning to accept that I can't always control change is huge in becoming more at peace with myself and life, really. That's still a hard one for me. I don't like things going in a different direction than I expect them to or want them too. That almost always gives me intense anxiety.
For example, when I have to be somewhere in Littleton by 1:00, I know I must leave my house at 12:30 to be there 5 minutes early. So, I leave by 12:30. But then there's road construction and a detour, so instead of taking exit 41 I must take exit 40 and go the back way. Now I'm freaking out because I'm going to be late. And if I'm late then I'm going to be in trouble. And if I'm in trouble then I will be yelled at. And if I'm yelled at I will cry. And if I cry then I will be embarrassed and yelled at even more. So I call my mom or Anthony and start to tell them about this extreme catastrophe that is about to occur and they don't really know what to say so I yell at them and become even more upset! And suddenly, everything that is wrong with me and my life surfaces to the front of my brain and I think about it as I speed down back roads in an attempt to not be late which would result in the end of the world, obviously. My chest is tight and my heart is racing. I am sweating, and the lump in my throat seems to be getting bigger. Officially, my day has been ruined, because I can't seem to stop riding the snowball that is tumbling over everything in my head.
That is a normal anxiety episode for me.
At this point in my life I feel that my anxiety trumps my depression and Adjustment Disorder. I don't actually feel depressed very often, not out of the norm anyway. My cat died, and that really sucked so obviously I was very sad and in a bit of a funk for awhile, but in the past I may have dwelled on it and let it consume me for much longer. It's an ongoing process, but I acknowledge it and do my best to embrace it while staying positive.
I do not define myself as a person with mental illness, but I do accept that I have a few loose screws, because I am human and we all have our struggles. In the past, I was very embarrassed of the fact that I was not perfect and needed to see a therapist. Today, however, I am grateful for my therapist because she is an amazing person who changed and saved my life. With knowing that I do not do well with change, I am able to approach situations differently. I do not let it hold me back. I know that I will not do well going away to school and being out of my comfortable and familiar environment, but I still go to school, I just choose to drive. (Plus I save a shitload of money so yay for me). I find myself empowered by the knowledge I have of the differences that make me who I am.
I don't know, maybe I am just an insane control freak who worries a lot, but hey! At least I'm sane enough to know it, right?
To know more about Adjustment Disorder, symptoms, causes and treatments, click here.
