I finished my first semester of college this past summer. I worked my ass off, and pulled off an A in Sociology and a B- in Math; both of which are huge accomplishments for me. I did every sheet of homework that was assigned to me, and tried my absolutely hardest for the first time, really, in my academic career.
Yet tonight, in the midst of my wandering thoughts, I started feeling so insecure. I miss my friends. I miss Ben the most, but I miss Hilary too, who I didn't even have a chance to say goodbye to. There's almost this jealousy within me. I envy the two of them who have this dual life; this place where they retreat to and nobody truly knows them. They have a place where they can be anybody they want to be. But why am I jealous? I hopped on that go-away-to-college train a year ago, and ran back to Franconia fairly quickly. I know that life isn't for me, yet sometimes I wish it could be.
I just get so down on myself at times, because I feel like I'm not accomplishing all the things I could be. I feel a sense of embarrassment that I go to Community College, even though I shouldn't because it's a perfect fit for me and it's all I can afford. Why do I beat myself up so much?
My emotions got the best of me tonight and I cried as I reflected back on my time at Colby-Sawyer. I found myself thinking that maybe it wasn't that bad and maybe I possibly overreacted last Fall. Maybe I should have toughed it out... But if I really think hard enough, and start to remember my time there, I find myself saying, "Yeah, it was that bad."I was so miserable. I acted like such an introvert which is so out of character of me. There was no inspiration for me there. It was masked by the constant pity and sorrow I was feeling for myself as I was holed up away from the world in my dorm room.
Colby-Sawyer was like Hell on earth, yet I found myself tonight feeling jealous towards Ben and Hil for the start of their new lives; new chapters. I feel like I've made no progress in this past year, and the familiar persona of a Fuck Up suddenly came over me again.
Everyone had so much faith in me last Fall. I was going to be so great because I was accepted into an awesome and expensive college. This was my shot, finally. And just as the ball got passed into my hands, I dropped it.
Boom.
Now instead of the continual, "Paige, I am SO proud of you," I receive the, "Wow that's great you go to Community College, Paige. So when are you going to transfer to a four year school?"
"Oh, you're a waitress?"
Yeah, I'm a waitress.
This is the shittiest piece of writing I've ever composed. I'm sorry. I just felt weird tonight, so I said, "Well, I guess I'll blog about it."
Miss Paige: The only reason people find community college to be "less" than those big expensive schools is because of branding. Colby Sawyer? Yeah, that's an expensive school with a big name, so it must be the best. This tends to be the philosophy when students choose where they go to school.
ReplyDeleteBut they're wrong. I can guaranty that in the end, you will be on top. It may not seem like it now because Ben and Hil are living it up all independent in their dorm rooms and only having to focus on school, but look at what you're doing. You are doing the exact same thing. You are going to school, I believe you moved out, AND you're working. Year round.
The big difference between you and them is common sense. Reason being: Debt. Ben goes to Emerson right? He's paying $35,000 A YEAR in tuition, and about $15,000 to live there. After four years, he will owe $170,000- the cost of the average MORTGAGE.
Working in the loan department has certainly made me aware of debt. To owe that much when you're just starting out is tough. Students have to find a well paying job to afford their loans- but also- because they're so deep in debt, it is less likely for them to be approved for a loan.
And look at you. Tuition at WMCC is about $7,000 a year for 10 courses (5 in the Fall, 5 in the Spring). That's 1/5 of Emerson. And LSC is about $15,000 a year, which is still less than half.
You are pursuing a degree in English, not law or medicine, whatever. It doesn't matter where you go, what matters is what you get out of it. I can promise you that in the end when you have your degree, you will be on top of Ben and Hil. While they're paying of a mortgage (I mean...student loans), you will be pretty close to off the hook. Meaning you can take vacations and buy a house sooner! Plus, you won't have to worry.
If people put down community college, screw them. If people put down the fact that you're a waitress, tell them to fuck off. You're working AND going to school. Most students just go to school and party.
I am incredibly proud of you for the fact that you acknowledged that a big "go away" school isn't right for you, and that you chose community college. Despite the criticism, you are sticking to it. In the end people will look at you and realize that they were wrong. Until then, as long as you're happy with your decision, it doesn't matter what anyone thinks but you.
you should be a life coach. thank you for your continuous wisdom and kind words meg :) you are so nice and helpful!
Delete