Bees (in the Trap)

I have been a bad girl lately; I haven't written in my blog.

I could blame it on work, so I will. Foliage season was crazy and tiring, then I caught a cold because I wasn't sleeping much at all. But foliage ended a few weeks ago, so since then I have no excuse other than pure lack of inspiration. I sit an obsess all day long over what I want to blog about, and I've even had some inspirations, but before I could put them out there to the world, the thoughts would be lost and I forgot what I wanted to write about in the first place.

I do remember one thing, though.

I went to visit Ben in Boston last weekend. When we pulled off the exit and drove into the actual city, I felt my chest tighten - Country-girl-in-a-city syndrome, common diagnosis. Anyway, although I was feeling underdressed and completely out of my element, it was so nice to see Ben. Not only because he's my best friend, but it was so cool to see him know his way around Boston. It was a trip to watch him move with such ease through the craziness of it all, while I stumbled over my own two feet practically forgetting how to walk, feeling like an absolute fool and outcast. I admired his confidence and tried my best to internalize my anxiety attack and oncoming headache from all the energy and people that were around me. He seemed so... cool. I felt special to be around him.

After spending the day walking, shopping and eating, we drove to the hotel we were all staying at for the night. While talking over the Red Sox game and eating M&M's, I connected with his grandmother about psychic phenomena, expressing my different feelings about all my somewhat obscure views. Ben has always appreciated me because of that, though, and he and I, along with his family, seem to be on similar planes with it all.

I started talking about how I wanted to look up in my medicine cards what the meaning was behind bees, because they are always around me. I'm not kidding either, the bees always find me and I loathe them. Sometimes I wish I was allergic, just so I'd have an excuse to run away and scream like a child, as I always do when they fly around me. The feeling I have when a bee is around is similar to one that you might feel if someone puts a blanket over your head and holds it there.

Claustrophobic, and a complete panic, Holy shit I can't breathe!!!

Yeah, that's me with the bees.

Unaware that Ben's dad was tuning in, he looked up what bees meant for me. Obviously different people and websites may have different interpretations of what the spiritual meaning of bees really is, but what he found struck me to be shockingly logical, and pertaining to my life quite well.

Bees, supposedly, represent direction. Follow the bees, and they will lead you to where you need to go.

The most common places I've been seeing the bees are in my house and at work, but the most bizarre encounter I've had with them are at my mom's art studio. I've probably mentioned before that my mom has a few different spaces within the studio, and one of them is potentially going to be my writing room. From the day her and I toured the space, I felt my energy radiating all over that room. I declared it mine as soon as my mom confirmed she wanted to rent the space.

The next week when we came back in to look at it, I noticed a few bees in the room I liked, so I closed the door in an attempt to keep them out. When we went back again about a week later, it was like a friggon bee graveyard. They covered the floor, and there were still ones flying around the room. I became disheartened, because I didn't want the room anymore since it was being invaded by bees.

But when Ben's dad told me about how bees represented direction, it suddenly made a lot of sense.

I am usually anxiety stricken for at least a portion of each day. A year ago, I was so confused and lost. I had no idea what direction to go in. I was just going wherever my feet took me, with eyes closed. It was scary at times, but I tried to keep faith in the idea that fate would take me wherever I am supposed to be.

I find it interesting that the bees are in my house, at work, and in my potential writing room. As you all probably know, I went through more than enough relocations. After graduating high school, I basically have learned how to live out of a bag, and my car if need be. But I've been living where I am for a little less than a year now, and I have to say, I finally feel settled. I am so comfortable and happy to be where I am and I feel completely blessed to have found this place; a safe haven for me, my mom and the animals. Isn't it funny how the bees seem to be congregating in and outside of the house, always there as a constant reminder, announcing their presence. Yet, in the midst of my hatefulness about them being here, they are just serving as a beacon of guidance to where I need to be, which is exactly where I am.

The bees at work - always happening to be there on my shifts - I believe are representing to keep working hard. Not necessarily telling me that the job is where I need to stay, but the idea of hard work and commitment.

As for the ones in the writing room, who I believe have made their excessive presence very known, might as well be screaming at me. Do I really need a clearer sign?

I fear the bees, and at times I fear direction, but I'm started to warm up to the idea of both.

Okay, I won't lie, I still hate the bees and hope they all rot in Hell, but I will listen to them and appreciate their kind tokens of guidance.

Otherwise, they are the spawns of Satan.